POST #2: BIOLOGY AND BRENDAN FRASER
I walk into the room looking fabulous. Everyone sees me, struck at my appearance. I’m at a work party – normally I’m looking smart in my DKNY suits, but tonight, I’ve transformed into vision of glamour and sexiness that surprises everyone. Especially the most attractive, powerful, slightly-bad-boy-but-he’s-just-misunderstood guy in the office. Oh, and he’s rich. Well, at least that’s how this version goes. The details and time period can change but it’s pretty much the same story. And I’m guessing I may not be the only woman who has these daydreams, fantasies, and deep-seeded desires. That’s why all these commercials, TV shows, and movies work on us! And I’ve learned how this is one of the many structures in women’s consciousness that is fueled by the sexual impulse. But let me step back a sec…
This month serves as my one-year marker in my celibacy practice. I’ve taken a three-year commitment, or vow, for a very specific reason. It wasn’t a “Hey, I can’t find a decent guy, so SCREW IT! I’m celibate!” It’s a conscious investigation that, at the end of those 3 years, I may or may not choose to extend. During this time I’ve, and will continue to, learn about the deeper forces in myself that are usually unconsciously steering the ship, so to speak.
One discovery has been that although the sexual force in its obvious form of “I must have sex!” can been seen pretty clearly, the more subtle and stronger force I see in myself is how it manifests as the whole romantic universe – the perfect man, the amazing adventurous, exciting, satisfying, sex-filled life we lead together….and on and on. It’s actually quite scary to see how deep this runs. The emotions are intense, the storylines and images can be convincing and compelling.
For example…recently I was on a plane watching a very silly “rom-com” with Brendan Fraser. It didn’t take much more than a few bars of the “I’m so in love with her” montage music to start up and scenes of the overly-confident guy smitten with the perky, independent girl before I was “in”. The pit-of-my stomach ache, the deep lack-of-true-love ennui. Something is missing…and it’s a big problem that it’s missing! All I know is “I WANT THAT!” The world gets very small – no sense of economic turmoil or global warfare – just the need to find Mr. Perfect and fall in love…NOW! And stay in love. Forever. It feels so important to me and that nothing else will ever come close to filling the vacuum and ease my romantic pangs. I’m staring out the window for about 3 minutes, lost in that universe, before I catch myself. I was amazed at how quickly the wave hit and even though the temptation is to stay in that fantasy a bit longer, I ‘renounce’ the whole thing…I let go. Just let it be. Don’t push it away but also don’t focus on it and feed the story line. Within a minute or two it passes. My focus is freed up, the ‘real’ world floods back. And most astonishing is the pain of wanting, lack, and need are gone. I saw how constricted I’d become, how wound up and caught up in the yearning for love I’d been. And the scary thing…it isn’t even REAL!!! Meaning, as this wave of deep wanting passes, I saw that everything I thought was important and true just isn’t.
What I’m learning, firsthand and over and over, is this romantic drive is programmed to get me to, in the end, procreate. Make babies. Carry on the species. And that’s REALLY all. Not everyone likes to hear that. But think about it…where does following this whole fantasy lead? Not to just holding hands. Find a guy and get to it. Candles, wine, French Riviera…whatever, just get to it. As far as I understand it from my celibate men friends, their version bypasses the wine and candles and has a raunchier, x-rated storyline compared to ours (in general). But again, the end result is the same. Get to it. It’s a fascinating thing to watch happen in oneself. And our current culture plays right into it because we really hold this whole sexual/romantic ideal as sacred and giving our lives meaning. Is love a sham? No way. But is this extreme focus on the ideal, romantic love the end-all, be-all we hold it to be? I’ve seen, again and again, that it isn’t. Love, relationships, commitment – I’m all for them and not insinuating that they’re fake. But celibacy practice is showing the whole romantic, ‘what is missing from my life is my soul-mate’ world is a product of the very strong and very persuasive sexual force that has ONE motive.
So when someone asks me, “What happens when you watch a romantic movie?” I say, “The same thing that happens to you.” But it’s the relationship I have and am cultivating to it that is different. Not lust, not fear, not disgust — it’s to have NO relationship to it. And in that, there is freedom. Freedom FROM the illusion that any of that is real…and freedom TO make the kind of choices I want to make CONSCIOUSLY, not from my biology. And one day, that choice may include no longer being celibate. But once the illusion of “my dream life with Mr. Perfect” is seen through, I know for me, I don’t ever want to go back and act as if it’s real. That’s always been the goal of any spiritual path and practice…waking up to what is MORE true and living according to that. How can ‘woman’ change, grow, and evolve if she’s still acting out mainly her biological function? When we get caught up in that storyline and are convinced it is real, are we really acting freely or are we just carrying out a biological imperative? It’s a HUGE question…one that I want to get to the bottom of. Who is really ‘driving the car’? My freedom of choice or my conditioning as a woman that is tens of thousands of years old?
And what is on the other side, much to my surprise, are relationships with both men and women that are deeper, with more ease and intimacy…free from pretense, manipulation, and neediness. Not a world where the love and attention from one person means everything…when that isn’t even really possible or a rational demand (hence the increase in divorce rates, percentages of people who cheat in a relationship, and shortened length of relationships). To me, it’s time for a new storyline to start being told and stop perpetuating an old one that is no longer relevant, useful, or true.
